I would like to play music, learn to play an instrument.
I wanted to right my own novel or a screenplay.
I wanted to learn how to paint.
I wanted to design my own clothes..
I wanted to do so much things. But for wahat reason?
I guess I wanted to leave something behind. I wanted to be remember for something.
I wanted to make my mark in this world.
But if I would do that. Do whatever I like and be selfish. Won't I just be hurting those people who rely on my the most? My family needs me. I know that. Whatever I do, I need to consider them. I can't do as I always please.
They say do justice before charity. So instead of me wanting to do volunteer work I'd rather have that extra time spent in earning a living. I wanted to learn a new language but I even if I can afford to do so, I'd rather save that money to give to my family. And time is too precious to me. Sometimes doing something for myself is a luxury.
If I decide to stay and continue living then I have to forget about myself.
I always say to myself that My happiness is my family's happiness. Being unselfish is rewarding but slowly I looses my self. My own identity. Every single day spent was just like a routine. Doing things like you are programmed to do. Being able to satisfy my loved ones should make me feel great inside right? Yet why does it feel like I'm slowly dying while still breathing.
But if I do become the selfish person who has all the time in this world and all the money to do everything. Why do I feel awful? Just thinking about it. I don't have atleast one particular thing I wanted to do. I feel so lost. I don't know what to do. Where to start living. I can feel my head spinning. What do I do?
Being the good child. I always do what I was told. And now, I've lost the ability to make my own decisions. Lost the ability to make my own choices. I feel like a dog that just lost its master. Doing things on instinct without even reasoning. Keeping on walking with no exact place to go to.
This is what I feel. Its just a choice between being unselfish and slowly dying inside or be selfish and become a lost soul.
Still procrastinating....
"When people are taken out of their depths they lose their heads, no matter how charming a bluff they may put up." ~anonymous
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